


Effects of the Consumption of Kaiju Flesh by a Human Subject

by ArtemisTheHuntress



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Gen, MGS PacRim AU, and making dumb decisions in the name of SCIENCE, emetophobia warning, just kids growing up in a Shatterdome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 10:58:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemisTheHuntress/pseuds/ArtemisTheHuntress
Summary: ABSTRACTThere are no published scientific studies on the effects of eating raw kaiju flesh.  This report hopes to make some initial notes on the edibility, taste, adverse effects, etc...





	Effects of the Consumption of Kaiju Flesh by a Human Subject

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the Metal Gear Solid Pacific Rim AU, codenamed "Metal Deere", which was all originally the idea of [SkazuhiraMiller](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkazuhiraMiller/pseuds/SkazuhiraMiller) and has spiralled into something huge and incredible, and full of shenanigans.

** Effects of the Consumption of Kaiju Flesh by a Human Subject **

 

Researcher: Naomi Hunter, age 13

 

ABSTRACT

There are no published scientific studies on the effects of eating raw kaiju flesh.  The effects and dangers of consuming the raw meat of fish and mammals is well-documented, but kaiju have not been subject to the same experiments.  This report hopes to make initial notes on the edibility, taste, adverse effects, etc. that may expand our understanding of kaiju biology.

 

BACKGROUND

The researcher went into the field, in the retrieval helicopter that picked up her brother after he defeated the kaiju that attacked south of Juneau on 17 April.  Official measurements from the Shadow Moses Shatterdome indicate that this kaiju was 45m long and 13m tall at the shoulder. The researcher herself only saw the kaiju after it was already dead, but it appeared to be quadrupedal, in bauplan a bit like an alligator, with glittering silver overlapping scales like a fish.  Its jaws were long and wide, with teeth jutting out in all directions, and there were three rows of dorsal spikes running along its back down to the tip of its tail. When the researcher saw the kaiju, it was lying on its side with its neck and right shoulder crushed and a long gash torn in its belly. Its guts were spilling out.  They were blue and oily.

While Shatterdome officials ~~weren’t looking~~ were busy, the researcher used her pocket knife to take several samples of kaiju muscle tissue and what were ~~probably~~ possibly intestines.  Each sample was about 10cm long and was sealed in a plastic ziplock bag.  The researcher then brought the samples back home to her lab with the intention of examining them under the microscope.

 

SPECIFIC BACKGROUND FOR THE FLESH CONSUMPTION EXPERIMENT, WHICH WAS NOT THE ORIGINAL INTENT FOR THE SAMPLES, THIS RESEARCHER SWEARS

On 19 April, the researcher was examining the cellular structure of one of the intestine samples (see appendix A) when Meryl Silverburgh, age 10 ½ (henceforth known as the Subject) showed up in her lab ~~without texting first to ask if she could or even knocking on the door before walking in~~ asking to view the samples.  Conversation went as follows:

> Subject: Hal says you took kaiju bits and you’re hiding them in your room so the Boss doesn’t find out.
> 
> Researcher: Hal should mind his own damn business.
> 
> Subject: Ooooh you said the ‘damn’ word.  [pause] Anyway, can I see them?
> 
> Researcher: The samples?
> 
> Subject: Yeah!  I never get to see real kaiju.
> 
> Researcher: Sure, I guess.

Upon which the researcher showed the subject the kaiju samples she’d taken, to which the subject remarked, “Ooh, GROSS!”, but in an appreciative and admiring tone of voice, like she does when she finds an especially weird and disgusting bug and insists on picking it up and showing it to everyone.

Conversation continued:

> Subject: It looks kinda like fish, except blue.
> 
> Researcher: Fish?
> 
> Subject: Yeah, raw fish.  Like in sushi. Or, actually, it looks kind of like seal blubber.  Have you ever had seal blubber?
> 
> Researcher: As in, eaten it?  No.
> 
> Subject: It’s good, actually.  I had it once. It tasted weird, for sure, but in a good way.  Salty. Hey, do you think a kaiju tastes more like raw fish or seal blubber?
> 
> Researcher: This kaiju had scales like a fish, so probably fish.  But also, it’s an alien. It might taste like anything.  Its genetics and proteins don’t look like anything on earth.
> 
> Subject: Gonna eat the ALIEN PROTEIN and get BUFF LIKE A KAIJU.
> 
> Researcher: I’m pretty sure that’s not what would happen, but, again, it’s an alien, so who knows?  It might.
> 
> Subject: Hulk style.
> 
> Researcher: Sure.
> 
> Subject: HAS anyone ever eaten kaiju meat before?  Do they know what it does?
> 
> Researcher: I don’t know.  Maybe someone, but nobody’s recorded it.
> 
> Subject: What if I was the first ever person recorded eating a kaiju?
> 
> Researcher: It WOULD be a great moment for science.  A meeting of two worlds.
> 
> Subject: A ‘meat’ing of two worlds.  Hah, you know, cause it’s kaiju meat?  I’m gonna do it. RECORD ME, NAOMI.
> 
> Researcher: Hang on, let me get a notebook.

The researcher retrieved her notebook from the ~~kitchen table~~ lab desk and wrote all this preliminary information down while the subject looked at the samples through the microscope some more and talked about what she’ll do when she’s a ranger and she’s fighting kaiju for real.

 

THE EXPERIMENT

One of the muscle tissue samples was selected for the experiment.  The subject picked it up in her bare hand, then, when no immediate problems arose, bit off a piece.

Observations:

> Subject: Wow, this tastes kinda gross, actually.
> 
> Researcher: How does it taste?  Be specific.
> 
> Subj: Uh… it’s really chewy.  It’s REALLY chewy, like the, what’s the word, the cartilage at the end of chicken bones.  It’s doesn’t taste like chicken at all, though. Or fish or blubber, either. It tastes like… linoleum.
> 
> Res: Have you tasted linoleum!?
> 
> Subj: No!  But, it’s the way linoleum smells, when it’s wet.  It smells, hm, artificial, somehow. Dirty, I guess, but almost sterile at the same time.  Gray. Oily? I don’t know how to describe smells! This tastes like how linoleum smells. You know what I mean.

The researcher really doesn’t, but this is valuable data anyway.

The subject continued chewing the sample for 52 seconds, then swallowed it triumphantly.

She threw up approximately 30 seconds later.  Her vomit was mostly blue. She doubled over, clutching her stomach with one hand.

> Subj: Ohh I don’t feel good.  Oh that feels really bad actually.  Naomi I think we fucked up.
> 
> Res: You said the ‘fuck’ word.
> 
> S: Naomi I’m serious I think this is bad
> 
> R: What are you feeling
> 
> S: It HURTS
> 
> R: How
> 
> S: Uh my mouth hurts and my throat hurts and my teeth hurt my teeth REALLY hurt ow and my stomach hurts but mostly my mouth

Her lips and the inside of her mouth when she talks are bright red and shiny, probably bleeding

> S: Yeah Naomi you can call a doctor now
> 
> R: Hang on
> 
> S: Naomi I think my throat is bleeding CALL A DO⸻

 

CONCLUSIONS

The subject slapped the researcher’s notebook out of her hands, which is why the previous section cuts off abruptly.  The researcher apologizes. The researcher then called Dr. Clark and reported a food poisoning emergency. Paramedics arrived within minutes and ~~Meryl~~ the subject was taken to the infirmary.  She’s fine now. They won’t tell the researcher exactly what happened because, quote, “You’ve done enough already, Naomi, leave her alone”, but on 20 April the researcher went to visit her to see how she was doing.  The subject mostly seems annoyed they won’t let her leave yet because they still want to monitor her and run some more tests, even though, to quote from subject Silverburgh herself, “I feel fine!” Further quotes that help elucidate the situation: “That was kind of rad, though, wasn’t it” and “They keep talking about never seeing responses like this before, which is why they won’t let me leave yet.  They keep wanting to run more and more tests. Sorry, Naomi, but science sucks actually.” and “They said if it stayed in my stomach any longer it might have started altering my DNA. They’re all freaking out about this but now I’m just mad. I could have been Kaiju Hulk. Let me try again” and “Eli is gonna be SO jealous that I ate a kaiju and he didn’t.” (Subject also said “Wait, it’s April 20th? Nice, 420 blaze it” which is unrelated to the experiment but I think proves that she feels perfectly well enough to be released.)

The researcher’s brother also made her hand over all her remaining samples to Shatterdome security.  There is now a rule that no one may own or handle kaiju parts in any capacity without express permission from the Boss herself.  Further research must be put on hold for the foreseeable future because the researcher thinks it’s unlikely she’ll get permission anytime soon.

Preliminary conclusions to the experiment are that kaiju flesh is highly toxic and possibly corrosive and should not be ingested.  Also that it tastes like linoleum, apparently.


End file.
